Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Congress Less Popular Than Toenail Fungus According to Public Policy Polling

No, this is not from the Onion.

It's a real scientific poll conducted last fall by Public Policy Polling.

In the survey, PPP actually asked 502 registered voters what they have a higher opinion of, Congress or toenail fungus, and toenail fungus came out on top with 44% of respondents holding it in higher esteem than they do Congress, and 41% saying they have a higher opinion of Congress.

Toenail fungus' slight lead over Congress may be due to the fact that unlike Congress, you can now actually get rid of toenail fungus with laser treatment.

Sorry, there's no such thing as a laser therapy that can sterilize your budget and freedoms from unwanted intrusion by moldy CSPAN characters.

The survey also found a number of other things voters regard more highly than Congress:

Respondents had a higher opinion of dog poop (47%) than Congress (40%), probably because dog poop creates more shovel-ready jobs.

Voters also prefer hipsters (42%) to Congress (33%).

Hey, how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number.

How many congressmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.

Voters were especially excited to rate Congress (31%) lower than hemorrhoids (53%), perhaps because you can at least experience mild relief from hemorrhoids, but there is no cream soothing enough for the kind of pain in the ass Congress is.