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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Rich CEO Creeps of America: Please Contact Me. I Will Happily Watch You Shower for a Career Boost

Here millennials have been busting our asses in an economy rigged by the greed and unscrupulousness of the Baby Boomer generation, slinging coffee over counter tops to keep our heads above water month to month while crying over our college diplomas, which were supposed to be the magic key to stability and prosperity, and all we had to do this entire time was watch a crusty old guy shower to get launched to the top of a prestigious career, plus get handsome financial settlements not to warn anybody else about him? Wow!

But only if you're a hot, white woman with rich parents.

Well damn. There went my next career plans.

But really, seriously, no joke: If there are any helplessly lascivious old CEOs with a lot of money and influence in news media who are willing to give me a shot at fame and fortune in exchange for a nude back massage or watching them shower, please send me an email to

I'm in.

Now I hear you saying that's not the same thing at all, because I am literally asking for it, and these Hollywood actresses were just ambushed with this crazy shit, and I do hear you on that, and I agree there is a big difference there.

I'm still not kidding. Sugar daddies, hit me up. I'm not a hawt, white woman, but I'm pretty cute and twinky. And I'm Asian for whatever that's worth. Me take care you long time, big guy! Just get me one of those sweet career pinnacle gigs where these yapping Eastern Time zone twats hold a prestigious position at a major newspaper collecting a lucrative salary to write two completely dry, thoughtless, and pointless columns a week that no one really wants to read, and I will watch you shower and let you grope me.

If you can save me five years of battling rush hour to and from the salt mines to do a job more dehumanizing and soul crushing than rubbing your old balls while you shower, just to buy myself only one more month to painstakingly pursue my dreams on the side without any help from someone with money and connections, I won't even hold a grudge against you for it despite taking the deal, and then pile onto you years later with the mighty wind of the hive mind's uncritical support in my sails!

Come get you some, Koch Brothers.

$10,000 for a foot massage (per foot).

No joke. I'll do it with a big smile on my face.

Gwyneth Paltrow's net worth is $140 million.

Gimme that career bewst!

This is not a joke. Let's do some kinky shit.

Email me:

But yeah, I hear you and I am with you all the way on your point, that it really is fucked up to make sexual favors an interview requirement for an acting job or any kind of job at all.

And it should not be that way. And it is stupid in the strongest possible way that you could use that word and still an understatement that this has been going on in Hollywood, and it seems, is an ingrained aspect of the industry.

Hollywood's a nasty business.

And I think it's wonderful that most industries are not like that.

Like at Google for instance, I seriously doubt we're going to start hearing any stories about how Larry Page is offering top programming jobs to women for private coding auditions in his house while he's wearing a bathrobe and plucking his pubes. At that company, all a woman has to do to get a top programming job is under-perform a more capable male job seeker in the application process, and walk her happy pussy right past his sad, wrinkled scrotum and into her job orientation.

And all a top engineer with perfect job performance reviews has to do to get fired from that company is write an internal memo with feedback (solicited by the company!) saying he thinks this is unfair, might be illegal as a violation of discrimination in hiring laws, and that Google is dangerously unwilling to consider points of view like his (which his termination pretty much capped off with the most poetic exclamation point ever).

And without even reading the internal company memo- which lazy journalists were calling a "manifesto" like he was a fucking right wing militia terrorist- the whole world just piled onto him with completely unjustifiable accusations of misogyny, and pretty much nobody gave a shit that he was fired in a totally hysterical witch hunt shit storm, a miscarriage of justice and a serious leadership failure on the part of the grown ups in the room.

Sometimes the scales swing in favor of your genitals, sometimes they swing against you.

Which fucking sucks.

You mother fuckers, you painted him to be this vicious, woman-hating monster, and no one can watch an interview of him and miss seeing what a kind, earnest, respectful, well-mannered, not prejudiced buddy he is. You lied about him.

The antidote to that of course, is for us all to strive as earnestly as possible for a society that is as just as possible and respectful as can be to every individual's inherent dignity and sovereignty regardless of their gender, or race, or age, or religious beliefs, or where they were born, or what kind of privates parts they have, or what kind of private parts they want in their mouth.

I would be happier in a world where James Damore didn't lose his fucking job over the most balanced and thoughtful possible treatment of an issue that Google solicited his feedback on (and fuck you and your opinion about it if you have one and didn't actually read the fucking memo, bitch) and where Ashley Judd didn't get sexually propositioned during a fucking job interview.

You're equating what happened to James Damore with what happened to Ashley Judd?

Well he did get fired for refusing to fellate Google's HR department... so... But seriously that was his fucking job. You're saying threatening someone's right to eat isn't at least in the same realm of awful as surprise masturbating in front of someone?

Whatever. His right to eat wasn't threatened. Okay sure, I guess he can always just get a job at Starbucks. Never mind this guy did not do anything wrong and is a very talented engineer (the people who are keeping civilization going, bitch). You know who else could have always just got a job at Starbucks? Any one of the actresses that sold their soul to Harvey Weinstein and Hollywoood to become famous and live a life of ease and glamour. But they did the math and chose to dance with the devil instead.

And that's why I hear you when you say it's not the same thing at all, my willing proposition above and Harvey Weinstein being such a pig as to make that proposition from the other side of the table with resources and power, in such an anti-socially inappropriate way, in the middle of a job interview. I hear you because it's not the same thing, and because the moment any woman accepted Harvey Weinstein's professional favors or his money in return for their silence, they participated in an act of unholy alchemy that turned the abuse into a willing transaction, and through their moral cowardice, they were complicit in creating this monster. So tell them it's not the same thing, because they seem confused.

And this is what nobody has said so far in all of this... I think because they're too afraid to, so now I have to. Because someone should say it: Harvey is a creep and a predator... and the Hollywood women who have thrown in their lot with him to advance their careers are a bunch of whores. And while intoning with righteous moral indignation at the rest of us here in Central Time for our backward views toward women, for the GOP's "War on Women," for not electing a vagina to steal for Wall Street and drone bomb poor brown people... they were wittingly supporting a rape culture in Hollywood. I think instead of going to the movies for a while I'm going to be reading my fucking Bible.

And fuck your overpriced popcorn too.

Harvey's the easiest and obvious villain to pick on in all of this, but nothing will change that way. As long as the women are perennially off the hook for anything in this culture, it's going to stay sick. Women played a role in this shit, and ignoring that is not honest. It won't make the world better. We have to demand better from men and women. How can you blame women for this? I'm blaming Harvey for what Harvey did. And I'm blaming any woman who knew about it, and sucked up to him, fawned over him, worked with him, excused him, and ignored what they knew about him so that they could advance their own careers- for what they did. And it's quite clear at this point that fucking everybody knew about it. So what's the excuse?

You want equality. Step up and demand it! Women should be held as accountable as men for their own actions. As long as they get a pass as victims with no moral agency or responsibility no matter what, they are being treated as inferior, as weaker, and as unable to stand up and have courage, or less able than men, and society will get more of this shit. That's not equality and it's not right. How can the women of Hollywood be given a pass on profiting from a business they knew was rotten to women? How?

What about the women he just assaulted, who didn't go along with him or Hollywood? Who were just attacked and hurt by him?

"During that time, after being confronted with allegations including sexual harassment and unwanted physical contact, Mr. Weinstein has reached at least eight settlements with women, according to two company officials speaking on the condition of anonymity....

But most of the women involved in the Weinstein agreements collected between roughly $80,000 and $150,000, according to people familiar with the negotiations." -New York Times, Oct 5, 2017

Instead of standing up to him, some just took his money. I do have empathy for them that they were abused based on what little I know, and I acknowledge I don't know anything about them or their situation, and maybe they were doing what was best for them, and they were afraid, and thought they'd have no hope of being listened to or taken seriously in a full frontal, public assault on Harvey, and maybe they needed that money, and maybe they don't owe other women a goddamned thing.

But that's not the feminist position, or at least, good God, it wouldn't be mine if I were a zealous feminist worth my salt. I would say women have to look out for each other and not just themselves, and not be perfectly willing to offer up the next woman to the disgusting pig's groping assaults... so long as I get paid for going through it myself.

And I would say that women should be brave, and speak up, and warn everybody about men like Harvey, and that women should fight this shit, and even if they think no one will listen at all and their career dreams will be completely ruined, that that's even more of a reason why they should try and put a crack in the edifice of corrupted patriarchy. That if this is a suicide mission, so fucking be it, go fight and die on that hill with a clean conscience and do the right thing and tell the truth (right now, not decades later!) and if it's a huge sacrifice make the fucking sacrifice, for the sake of your sisters and daughters, and for your own sake.

You're coming down awfully hard on woman who were sexually assaulted...

Women are just as good and as strong, and as capable and as brave and virtuous as men, right? Well this is what men have been told and expected to literally do in far more horrific situations against far more dangerous monsters with their own actual blood and intestines for centuries. Maybe I am an asshole for telling women to man up, but I thought that was the whole message of feminism, not to treat women any differently than men, which means not expecting any less from them as well. I know this just shouldn't have happened in the first place. Neither should anything evil, but how do you raise your daughter to be in a world that has evil people in it that she might meet?

Maybe I am a jerk, but before you decide I am, let's think about it this way: if I have a daughter this is the kind of virtue I will instill in her. If anybody gets forceful with you, scream in their fucking face. If they persist, go to the police station with their blood and skin cells under your fingernails and shout to high heaven what happened. If he's rich and you can get a nice piece of him, however much it is, it's not enough. It's not enough for you to be disrespected, and to buy your silence so he can keep disrespecting, and frightening, and maybe doing worse to more women. How could any money ever be enough to pay for that?

And if I have a daughter and she wanders cluelessly into a room alone with Harvey Weinstein excited about her big break, and dozens of women went in before her and know what happens in that room alone with Harvey, and they just kept working for him, and smiling and clapping on television when he won his awards, and helped him to keep making his millions, and took their share of fame and profit, or took his hush money to stay silent, with no regard for the safety or dignity of my daughter or any other women... well what do you expect me to think about this den of cannibals? Fuck Hollywood seems appropriate.

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Stay tuned today, I've got more coming up about #MeToo