Aziz Ansari didn't rape or sexually assault "Grace."
But he was definitely being rapey.
The critics in the backlash against Babe.net and #MeToo over this have failed to see that.
Which is seriously unsettling.
And many of them are spreading vile stereotypes about men that I take serious issue with as a man.
To be fair to Aziz, maybe she's exaggerating or not telling the truth, and we don't know for sure.
She could just be a really evil bitch.
It's definitely possible.
But taking Grace's account at face value, as many columnists have in criticizing her and #MeToo...
And assuming it is an accurate representation of what happened that night...
He treated her extremely badly.
And deserves to be pilloried for it.
A popular NYTs opinion column by some smart ass named Bari Weiss was entitled:
"Aziz Ansari Is Guilty. Of Not Being a Mind Reader"
And what a ridiculous article it was! He was guilty of a lot worse than not being a mind reader.
I'm not saying he committed a crime.
I'm not saying he raped or assaulted her.
Or that he should go on trial or to jail.
But this was worse than "a bad date."
According to Grace, he kept coming at her and coming at her and coming at her relentlessly.
Even though she was pulling away.
It wasn't violent, but it was brutal.
It sounds like he was making a mental calculation that he could probably wear her down through grim persistence and get her to let him have sex with her even though she wasn't really feeling it.
Listen– that's not rape, but it is rapey.
And #MeToo has not "officially jumped the shark" as Andrea Peyser wrote at The New York Post.
(Which has been making Rupert Murdoch rich off clickbait headlines and fake news since 1976.)
Something about Andrea Peyser that you might want to know before taking anything she says about the subject of sexual assault seriously:
"In May 2012, The Observer and New York magazine noted that in eight years she has celebrated the possibility of nine different people getting raped in jail."
Sources with her direct quotes here.
She clearly does not have enough sensitivity about sexual assault to be taken seriously when she goes anywhere near discussing it.
Given that she loves to joke about prison rape, which is a national crisis in America right now.
Human Rights Watch says 140,000 prisoners are raped every year. Often by corrections officials.
Most of them are men (who have been explicitly left out by the #MeToo movement, which is pretty sad).
Prison rape fantasizer Andrea Peyser is wrong about Grace's story and anybody who was moved by it.
Calling this behavior out for what it is and publicly shaming a man for acting this way is most emphatically not jumping the shark for the #MeToo movement.
Don't conflate it with sexual assault, but this is exactly what women should be doing.
If any celebrity treated me like Grace says Aziz treated her on a date, I'd tell the whole world about it too.
And fuck anybody who tells women to keep that to themselves! They're wrong. Please tell us about it.
There is nothing wrong with expecting that men be nothing less than cool asf about having sex.
There is something wrong with a man who's happy to have sex with a woman who doesn't really want to, and is just giving in to his persistence.
That's not sexy, it's horrific.
Because if she is anything less than unmistakably, enthusiastically, eagerly consenting...
Then what is she?
Is she just a pushover?
And the only reason you're getting laid is not because she wants to, but because she's easy to push around and you've basically bullied her into bed?
Is she– possibly a little scared?
You see what I'm saying?
There's definitely something really bad happening if she's giving in to pressure and not desire.
What kind of man would be okay with that? Would find it gratifying? Or gratifying enough? And her feelings be damned, the dumb bitch didn't say no.
Even if she never said no or slapped him...
Something is seriously creepy about a man who doesn't notice or care whether she wants it as enthusiastically as he does.
Someone who is happy to get his dick in a woman by any means short of threats or physical force even if she's not really into it and doesn't really want it.
And most men aren't like that.
And that's what has been bothering me about this backlash against #MeToo over Grace's story.
It's mostly coming from women writing in MSM publications like the New York Times and Post, or Caitlin Flanagan's oped in The Atlantic...
And they're practically saying that women should just expect men to be kind of rapey and be prepared to fight back harder when they are.
It's an extremely ugly picture of men that they're painting with this shit, and it's not accurate.
At least it's not accurate of most men.
And I can prove it.
Look at all the straight porn for men that's out there– an entire ocean of it. What does it all depict?
Effusively eager, extremely horny women.
That's what men want.
That's the fantasy.
Not just a hot woman.
But a hot woman that wants you.
Men love that.
Maybe more than anything in the world.
That's why the world watched 4.6 billion hours of porn in 2016 on one website alone– mostly of women moaning at the top of their lungs.
Because most men are not interested in having sex with a woman who is inert or worse– frigid and uncomfortable. That's just not sexy.
Most men might not be as perceptive of other people's feelings as most women, but we're more alike than we are different, and there's mostly overlap between the male and female populations on that.
Most men are not autistic. Award winning comedians definitely don't get to use that defense.
Human beings are the most social creatures on this planet. Both sexes are highly socialized and highly sensitive to what other people think of them and how other people are feeling.
Certainly one thing men are primed to be hypersensitive to is if a woman is horny or not.
And if she's not, but he's still pushing, and pushing, and pushing, like a sleazy car salesman, through her obvious hesitation and misgivings– for her body– and that doesn't feel as horrifically awkward and nasty to him as it does to her– something is wrong with him.
And women should absolutely do themselves and the men in our society the favor of verbally saying out loud on social media that they demand men be cool on dates and cool about having sex or not.
And should publicly shame and humiliate men if they're as horrifically uncool as this, especially if they've been false advertising to the rest of us that they're cool asf.
Frankly that is newsworthy.
You can't criticize Grace for not verbalizing clearly enough about what she wanted out of her date and then criticize #MeToo for clearly verbalizing what women want out of men in the same column.
It's laughably ridiculous that Aziz Ansari couldn't tell how his date was feeling about having sex with him.
He is at the absolute pinnacle of society because of his ability to make people laugh.
He's made millions of dollars from that ability.
Is it conceivable that someone who knows human nature and the people of our current time and culture so well can't perceive how his date is feeling?
If it is then that's something #MeToo should be very interested in understanding and knowing more about.
If someone has made a pinnacle career out of being perceptive enough of people to make them laugh millions of dollars worth of laughs...
And that person can suddenly not notice his date isn't horny, then #MeToo has just discovered some new mental disorder to add to the DSM.
If men can get suddenly taken over by sex demons who have no perceptions of anything other than penile feedback pressure, we've got to call in the exorcists or Ghostbusters or some shit.
I think it's a very low view to take of men that we're all just autistic or something and aren't capable of being perceptive of what women are feeling.
That we can't be expected to do better than just go into a blind sex fury if we think we might get laid and put a woman through the worst night of her life.
I'm sure there are some rabid feminists who would love for you to think that most men are like that.
But most men are definitely not.
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