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Saturday, March 31, 2018

What If John The Baptist Was Wearing Glasses?

So Jesus had a cousin named John, and ppl were calling him John the Dunker because he would dunk people under water in the river and yell "BAPTIZO!" (which means "DUNK!") while laughing his ass off.

And people were lining up for him to do it.

Remember this is in the Middle East– which is literally a hot spot. All the heat can really get to you. It can make you crazy.

I think that's half the reason for all the conflict over there in the first place.

It's just too fucking hot.

People get uncomfortable and irritable with that much heat. They start snapping at each other over little things. Then you start talking about ethnic and religious differences.

With literally hot heads.

Imagine living there 2000 years ago with no air conditioning. No wonder you've got demon possessed people wandering around.

Jesus just gave 'em a drink of water and some food. It's 2000 years ago. People literally have no idea what they're doing.

So you're bound to have zombies...

People just wandering around delirious, hungry, thirsty, and completely clueless attacking other people on the road lol

Everyone's too afraid or cautious to approach them, but Jesus and his crack team of disciples have a method down pat for subduing and reviving desert wandering attacking zombies, which makes them local heroes and regionally somewhat famous, because it is a pretty bad problem.

Well in the midst of all this heat making everybody miserable and turning clueless people into zombies, you've got John the Baptizer in the river encouraging people to get down into the river with him and splash around and play in the water.

Which turns out to be quite a relief on a sweltering hot day. And these unwashed masses are getting clean that way too. They just feel better afterwards.

This guy John had the best idea ever!

And on top of that he's hilarious. The dude is just laughing his ass off in the river, whooping and hollering, splashing around, just having the time of his life in the water.

It's almost like he's crazy– like he's one of the demon possessed or something, but you can tell he means no harm, and that's what's so spellbinding about him.

People are starting to get word of him and actually walking a couple days from neighboring towns to get in the river with him and get dunked.

But as if the whole situation weren't already improbable and surreal enough, what if John the Baptist was also wearing glasses?

In the year 29?

None of these people would have ever seen that shit. It had just been invented in China somewhere, and only the super elite of society would have had access to it.

But from the time he was 12 until he started his project at the age of 30– a period that goes completely unrecorded in the Gospels– Jesus and his cousin spent some years in the Orient, and that's where John would have come by this incredibly unique artifact.

Think of how weird that would have looked back then to a 1st Century Middle Easterner who had never seen anything like that!

There were probably people traveling from miles away in the heat just to see a guy wearing glasses.

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